Bent-Out-of-Shape Pretzels

I sometimes wonder who the first person was who decided to use the phrase “bent out of shape” to describe another human being. It makes me think of a paperclip that someone’s bent and distorted until it no longer looks like what it was meant to be… and when I imagine the same thing being done to a human, I wince at the thought of my back being “bent out of shape.”

Perhaps it’s not something many of you think of that often; if people don’t often accuse you of being “bent out of shape,” I doubt you’ve ever thought about it at all. I, however, am one of those people to whom this accusation is often made:

“You need to calm down.”

“Are you OK? You seem a little agitated…”

“It’s not a big deal… nothing to get stressed about.”

All of which are accusations which, while valid, nonetheless make me want to reach for the accusor’s neck and bend them out of shape (and I’m not generally a very violent person). It’s just a high-strung, bent-out-of-shape, running-at-a-mile-a-minute, survives-via-constant-stream-of-caffeine thing. And let me clue you in… (other high stressed people, you may now thank me): letting someone who is already high-stress know that you have noticed that they are high-stress heightens their stress level.

In other words: if someone looks like they’re “bent out of shape,” for the love of God, do not accuse them of being so.

Sorry for getting preachy, but if one more person tells me to “breathe” (except my Mom, she’s allowed), I’ll probably start swinging… it has taken a lot of energy to arrive at this point in my life without having clocked someone who told me that whatever it was I was stressing about “wasn’t a big deal,” even if, in retrospect, they were probably right.

When I buy mini pretzels for apéro here in France, it’s like buying popcorn: they look at me, shake their heads, and say “so American.” Which is OK… I mind less being accused of being American than I once did, and I mind it much less than being accused of being bent out of shape. Besides, hard pretzels — I’m talking Snyders and the like — are worth being “so American.”

Hard Pretzels (Alton Brown)

1 3/4 cups warm (110 to 115 degrees F) water
1 tablespoon sugar
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 package active dry yeast
22 ounces all-purpose flour, approximately 4 1/2 cups
1 large whole egg yolk beaten with 1 tablespoon water
Vegetable oil, for pan
Water
Pretzel salt

Combine the warm water, sugar and kosher salt in the bowl of a stand mixer and sprinkle the yeast on top. Allow to sit for 5 minutes or until the mixture begins to foam. Add the flour and, using the dough hook attachment, mix on low speed until well combined. Change to medium speed and knead until the dough is smooth and pulls away from the sides of the bowl, approximately 4 to 5 minutes. Remove the dough from the bowl, clean the bowl and then oil it well with vegetable oil. Return the dough to the bowl, cover with plastic wrap and sit in a warm place for approximately 50 to 55 minutes or until the dough has doubled in size.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Line 4 half sheet pans with parchment paper and lightly brush with the vegetable oil. Set aside.

Place enough water into a large roasting pan to come 1/3 of the way up the sides of the pan and bring to a boil over high heat.

In the meantime, turn the dough out onto a slightly oiled work surface and divide into 1-ounce portions, approximately 36 pieces. Roll out each piece of dough into a 14 to15-inch long stick and place on the sheet pans, 1/4-inch apart. Cover the dough not being used with a slightly damp towel to help prevent drying out.

Gently place 6 to 8 pretzels at a time into the water for 30 seconds. Remove the pretzels back to the sheet pan, brush with the beaten egg yolk and water mixture and sprinkle with the pretzel salt. Bake until golden brown in color and hard, approximately 55 to 60 minutes. Transfer to a cooling rack for at least 20 minutes before serving. Store in an airtight container for up to 1 week.